Do you ever feel as though your life has gone off in a way that you didn’t feel you had control over it?
I do.
I am feeling that way about my life, my blog & even my family.
Have you ever woken up one morning & asked, “How did I get here?”
I have.
Did you ever wonder if you didn’t go down this path, what your life would have been like?
I am.
Did you ever wish that you could take back control?
That is what I am doing now.
For my whole life, I have been someone's daughter, someone's sister.
For my whole adult life, I have been someone's wife, someone's Mother & still someone's daughter.
I now want to be me.
When I tell family & friends that I want to do something for me, what I want to do, they start telling me what I should do, what I need to do.
Arrrrrrggghhhhhh!!
When they do this, I just want to scream.
I know that everyone has great intentions, but I am me.
I do not need to live my life to someone else's schedule, someone else's ideals, someone else's plan.
It’s my life.
I am an adult.
Call it a life crisis (I am no where near midlife, so lets just say crisis), call it a breakdown, call it reassessing your future, call it what you want.
I call it taking back control.
Taking back my life.
I have a few fabulous friends who listen, who are there for me but who also know when not to offer me advice. When to just let me talk. They do not tell me that in order to get where I want that I should do it to their timeline. They know me, they know me well enough to say, “I am hear to listen”
They do not even say, “I am here if you want to talk”
They are just there to listen.
They know when I have been quiet for too long & I may need prompting to talk.
Because of my husbands job, which in all honesty, was not something I planned, not something I wanted nor was it something I would have chosen for us, I have learned to live by myself. Both of our families have moved away & I have still stayed in the same place. My children & I only live a few blocks from where I grew up. My life has not changed. But everyone else has moved on.
Yes, I said it & I know there will be some Truckers wives out there cursing & calling me every name under the sun but I seriously hate my husbands job.
I hate that he is in a different city or state every day. I hate when he comes home because I know that in only 24 hrs, he will leave again. I hate that it keeps him away from us, I hate that his daughters are growing up & he has no idea how to relate to them because he is never home. I hate that we have become so used to living apart that it is becoming impossible to live together. I know that he chose to do this job, where he can be away for weeks at a time & where seeing him for 24 hours is a good week, to try & give us a comfortable life. To make us financially secure. To do what he thought was best. But it is not a “normal” family life. I love him with all my heart but I hate what this job that he chose 6 years ago has done to me, him, us.
When he has to drive through the night, I do not sleep. I do not dare shut my eyes. I do not know what could happen when I am asleep. I do not want to sleep soundly & miss a call or a knock on the door telling me my worst fears have come true. I know too many widows & children who have lost their husband/ father, brother, uncle. It breaks my heart in a million pieces when I hear on the news that another “blue singlet soldier” (our name for these men) has lost their life because of his job. It is a daily basis to hear that a truck has crashed, on a weekly basis (sometimes unfortunately it can become daily) we loose another truck driver to the highways of Australia.
It hurts my heart.
It has caused me to have depression. I have some weeks where I can not leave the house. Where I can have panic attacks of the littlest things. My family tells me that I need to get over it. Tells me that I need to breathe. What I need is for everyone to just stop. Just let me be. No one can help me overcome this but me.
I find it difficult to let people in because when I say what is on my mind, people start telling me all the ways I should change it & how I should go about it.
It’s my life.
For me to take control of my life, I need to come first.
I need to put myself first.
I do not need people to tell me how to put myself first.
I need to do that by also making this blog more about me.
I love to cook & sew……I honestly do.
It is also when I am my happiest as I can block out my world that is crumbling around me.
But I also have days when I just wish I could type about how I am feeling.
I know I am not the only person, wife, Mother who feels the way I do.
I also know that right now, my husband & Mother are sitting at the computer reading this & screaming “Don’t tell people! Don’t let people know you are not happy!”
Well,
I am.
I am taking control of my life & also my blog.
Some days I just like to pack up the sewing machines, put away the cooking utensils & just be, just think, just enjoy life.
Some days I read other women's blog who are so honest & open & I wish I could have the guts to do what they do.
Well, now I am.
I am not only a sewer, a cook & crafter.
I am also a woman who is struggling to find her way in this world.
I am the Mother of 2 daughters who are both nearly teenagers. They are my everything. They are the greatest thing that I have ever made but some days they make me want to tear my hair out & I want to be able to come to my blog & release my frustration in words.
I will.
It’s my life & it’s my blog
To my wonderful friends who made me leave the house yesterday to go fishing so I could just talk & they listened.......... Thank you.
{I know that my family & friends will want to "talk about" what I have just written but I did not write this to start a discussion. I wrote this for me. There is nothing to discuss. It's my life}
